Tears and Joy... intermingled.

I could not bring myself to journal this past week as I mourned for my friends.  Their loss hit me pretty hard and my sister in-law said it is because I cannot help but project my feelings about Rachael into a little.  I'm not sure if that's true.  I think it's devastating enough without having to project but the way I process grief seems to be a little different than others, so maybe that is true.  I do find it easier to grieve for others than for my own.  I don't know if that's normal but it's my way of coping, I guess.

This week feels like it is headed towards us like a freight train.  Rachael and I leave on Wednesday for Houston to start the one-month, high-dose interferon.  It's the right decision to go there, of that I'm convinced, but as it gets closer I'm having some serious ambivalent feelings about going.  I'm pretty much ready for this to be all over and in a way it's just starting.  It's hard to not resent it a little especially when she is completely healthy looking.  As of September 24th when they removed all her lymph nodes and they came back clear she is "NED" or "no evidence of disease".  Which means, from what we can see, she is cancer free.  This next year is preventative and if it weren't for the medication she will be taking, our lives would return to normal.

I know that there is a chance of re-occurance, but I will not live my life waiting for it.  I think what I have now is perspective.  Rachael is not dying.  She is happy and healthy and to waste energy thinking about it any other way is almost disrespectful of the blessings we have.  If that changes in the future, we will deal with it then.

Now... drumroll please... presenting my little birdie (or as we affectionately called her, our "Flamboyant Little Gay Peacock"!)

This year Marc designed his own costume.  He was going for "Psycho Ninja".  I'd say he pretty much nailed it.

Joy... tears... It's hard to process it all.  I am working on thankfulness.