Thursday, August 26, 2010

Scattered (truly not kidding here) Thoughts

I am drawn to this blog when I have emotions to work through regarding cancer. So, it is a good thing that you haven't heard from me in a month.

I was contacted again by another family with a child diagnosed with melanoma. I expect I'll be chatting with the mom soon but my heart is seriously in my throat. It's very strange to me that a year after Rachael's diagnosis I feel far more freaked out than I did in the beginning. Do not misunderstand, most of the time we just live our lives. I can't say "we don't think about it" because we do every single day. Especially with temperatures in the low 100's but we laugh, we joke, we discipline, we live. Most days I am confident that all will be well.

But some moments creep up on me and my heart pounds and I feel the tears come and I find it hard to swallow for the fear that rushes into my head. And hearing about a child with brain tumors has the ability to send me to that edge.

The kids started school this week which means order has returned to our house. Hello clean house! Oh how I've missed you! It helps that I hired a housekeeper who comes once a week but don't think that means I get to lay around napping all day. No way! Napping all day only happens on Mondays. On Tuesdays I am working right alongside her cleaning the refrigerator or closet. Tom just about cried when he walked into our closet and realized I had finally decided to donate the eight trash bags of clothing to Goodwill. He embraced me and said, "I never thought you would do it. I am so proud of you!" I wasn't sure if I should bask in the moment or be insulted.

I don't know why I have trouble getting rid of old clothes. I totally get that it is stupid and I DID overcome my emotional attachment to my 18 year old t-shirts and donate the stuff but not without consequence. Last night I dreamt that I went to camp and when I went to my suitcase to get dressed all my clothes had been stolen and I was forced to walk around camp naked. Aside from the dreadful "naked dream" re-occurrence, I think it is clear I have issues.


Yeah. So, school started and did I mention the temperature? Today it was a cool 102. And get this! They send these kids out to do physical education!

You know. I just had a brilliant brainstorm! I should offer to do a class on sun safety during PE. Oh boy! Wheels turning now!

Focus Danielle!

The second day of school Rachael is in the nurses office complaining of a headache and saying "It feels like my forehead got a sunburn." On one hand I REALLY don't want her to be a hypochondriac but the stronger emotion here is "Thank God she takes this seriously." So I wrote her a note excusing her from all outdoor activity until it cools down a bit and I'm pretty sure the entire staff breathed a sigh of relief. No one felt good sending her out in that sun, SPF 60 or not.

What am I going to say to this mom when she calls? She is dealing with a stage of this disease that I do not allow my mind to dwell in. I suppose we will just embrace each other. We are, after all, members of a pretty exclusive club.

1 comment: