Short term memory loss seems to be a common complaint of parents. It's got me thinking that there must be some sort of biological need for this phenomenon and I think I know what it is. Species preservation. If it weren't for my extreme short-term memory loss my children would be in big trouble because Marc would have been abandoned about five years ago and I would have dropped Rachael off at the local zoo yesterday. But! Luckily for short term memory loss I was enamored with my children today.
So yeah, yesterday. It was a really hard day for a whole lot of really insignificant reasons that when they were all put together in one big suck soup had me in or near tears most of the day. Rachael acted HORRIBLE all day long. I mean from 20 minutes into waking up all the way through and I'd love to say I handled it in a manner fitting of my mother of the year award but in fact, around dinnertime I finally yelled, "You are being an ungrateful brat!" And I didn't even feel very bad about it.
Cancer has made Rachael a bit spoiled. And some of that is okay because frankly, she has to go through a lot of things no five year old should and if that means she gets a stuffed animal and lollipop just for walking through the door that's okay. But it becomes a problem when I feel held hostage by her temper every time she asks me for something I won't give her. Like candy for breakfast. Her tantrum/sulky mood/deep sighs/frustrated grunts/stomping feet/angry glares/bouts of crying lasted well over an hour when I would not give her candy for breakfast. And the morning was already tough because of other things so her mood was making it much harder. And in the afternoon when I decided we needed to bond and have fun together I took her to the Children's Museum and played with her for two hours. We had a blast and when we left she turns to me and angrily says, "Why don't you ever have gum?!" I was like, "Huh?" and then she goes on about how she didn't have any fun and she doesn't even like that place. So that culminated in me calling her an ungrateful brat which I'd venture to say was completely true.
Emotionally I'm struggling. It's hard being surrounded by cancer all day, every day. There's a heaviness in this house but even when I'm having a bad day, I can't complain because my bad day means something entirely different from my next door neighbors bad day. I know I have a right to feel like this is hard and we can always find someone in worse shape, it's just that if you are having trouble losing 20 pounds for instance, you don't complain about it in front of someone who needs to lose 100. Yesterday I met a mom whose child has a different cancer but much the same prognosis. He doesn't need chemo so he looks healthy, save some puffiness. It was absolutely wonderful to talk to her because I felt like I could talk freely about our struggles without being insensitive. I have friends at home who are very supportive but there is something special about connecting to another mom who is in the same boat. And for the first time since I got here, I feel like I did that.
And this morning they went home.
It just made me want to cry. I was genuinely happy for them but I just wish it could have been timed differently. I think we had the potential to be really close. Jamye, if you are reading I'm glad you're home but I'll miss you. And thanks for all the food!
Today though, Tom and Marc came and it was a wonderful day. We went back to the Children's Museum and the kids were hilarious. They have this place called Kidtropolis which is basically a city run by the kids. They have all these centers like emergency services, news station, bank, city hall, grocery store, and restaurant. Watching them get into the play had us busting out laughing a lot. Marc, in one week, looks like he has grown so much and he made himself head chef and would make all this food and then send the girls out to waitress for him. At one point he yells out, "Okay everyone, break time!" There were just so many little moments with the both of them where we could see how much they are growing up and what kinds of people they will be and it was just fun to be with them. So I guess I'll keep them around.
God bless short-term memory loss.
17 hours ago