Sunday, November 8, 2009

Tears and Joy... intermingled.

I could not bring myself to journal this past week as I mourned for my friends.  Their loss hit me pretty hard and my sister in-law said it is because I cannot help but project my feelings about Rachael into a little.  I'm not sure if that's true.  I think it's devastating enough without having to project but the way I process grief seems to be a little different than others, so maybe that is true.  I do find it easier to grieve for others than for my own.  I don't know if that's normal but it's my way of coping, I guess.

This week feels like it is headed towards us like a freight train.  Rachael and I leave on Wednesday for Houston to start the one-month, high-dose interferon.  It's the right decision to go there, of that I'm convinced, but as it gets closer I'm having some serious ambivalent feelings about going.  I'm pretty much ready for this to be all over and in a way it's just starting.  It's hard to not resent it a little especially when she is completely healthy looking.  As of September 24th when they removed all her lymph nodes and they came back clear she is "NED" or "no evidence of disease".  Which means, from what we can see, she is cancer free.  This next year is preventative and if it weren't for the medication she will be taking, our lives would return to normal.

I know that there is a chance of re-occurance, but I will not live my life waiting for it.  I think what I have now is perspective.  Rachael is not dying.  She is happy and healthy and to waste energy thinking about it any other way is almost disrespectful of the blessings we have.  If that changes in the future, we will deal with it then.

Now... drumroll please... presenting my little birdie (or as we affectionately called her, our "Flamboyant Little Gay Peacock"!)

This year Marc designed his own costume.  He was going for "Psycho Ninja".  I'd say he pretty much nailed it.

Joy... tears... It's hard to process it all.  I am working on thankfulness.


  1. I love the pictures! We will continue to be praying for ya'll.

  2. I can only imagine how daunting this Wednesday must seem. Know that many of us are going to be thinking of y'all and praying for y'all..Wednesday and every day after.
    On a personal note...I didn't realize before that Sept. 24th was her day of being declared cancer free... that's a great day. It's my mom's birthday and I really feel certain now that she is another angel beside y'all, rootin' for y'all! :0)

    I love the photos and am beyond impressed with the costumes! WOW! That peacock one is amazing!

    take care friend
    hugs to you and yours

  3. What cuties you've got there!

    Keep hangin' in there! Our prayers are with you.

    ~Missionary Momma~

  4. I LOVE the costume!! The colors are so bright and gorgeous!! I will pray for you as you enter this week!! Did you get 2 little treats from me in the mail this week?? Take care of yourself, too!!

  5. You and your sweet girl are in my prayers! God is strong in our weakness, so please remember you are not alone.

  6. Damn you said that well! It gave me chills. You are awesome! Good luck with the interferon, ya'll will be fine.

  7. I will pray for you to have the strength to endure the journey that is ahead of you. Know that God is holding you in his hands and walking with Rachel and your family. God Bless You All! Stay strong.