Tom and I are going out on a date tonight because we have a huge reason to celebrate. He is starting his new job tomorrow! I don't even want to begin to recount all that has brought us to this point since he retired from the Army but let's just say the timing couldn't be more perfect. We should be jumping up and down in little circles doing the Snoopy dance and then putting the kids to bed early *wink wink* but it's hard right now to feel celebratory. Having said that, we are going on a date and I'm determined to have fun.
Last night I could not sleep. I don't think I slept an hour but I have a strange amount of energy. I did housework today which actually felt really good. I was thinking while laying there awake that the hardest question to answer right now is "How are you?" It's tied with "How's Rachael?" I've not been doing the "I'm fine" answer because that seems so ridiculous but it's becoming exhausting trying to actually figure out how I am doing. I really have no idea how I'm doing but for right now, right this moment, I'm doing fine. So, if I say I'm good, or I'm fine it's because I'm really working hard at being that way. I'm not lying or being fake. I just don't know any other way to answer because I truly don't know.
I am very much looking forward to getting to a point where we are simply continuing our lives. It's going to be different now but we'll eventually find our equilibrium again.
Actually, I think Rachael really is doing fine. If you consider playing "how obnoxious of a fart noise can I make?" with her brother from sun-up until sun-down to be fine. Personally I find it a bit demented but when you have a Daddy who still thinks "pull my finger" is hilarious I guess it's to be expected. She is aware of what's going on but she feels good and I think it's hard for her to viusalize the future. She can sit next to me on that bench. I think she would be perfectly happy to play ostrich and keep her head in the sand. That makes it hard for me to know how much to prepare her. I think I should just let her be silly and normal for now.
Besides, singing the Barney theme song at the top of our lungs while walking home from her first Daisy meeting is way more fun and better therapy than any amount of talking about our fears for the future.
"I love you."
"I love you more."
"I love you most!"
"I love you MORE than most!"